LEWISTON, Maine — Gov. Janet Mills carefully adjusted a wreath outside the bowling alley where nine people were gunned down nearly eight weeks ago.
It was her first time back to the site since visiting with President Joe Biden just days after her state's deadliest mass shooting.
Eighteen people were killed Oct. 25 at Just-In-Time Recreation and Schemengees Bar and Grille. For her, like many, the tragedy was deeply personal.
"Lewiston is a place that is truly in my heart," Mills told NEWS CENTER Maine.
It's the city where Mills once lived, worked as an attorney, and met and married her husband, Stanley Kuklinski, who passed away in 2014.
Outside the bowling alley, a memorial of wreaths and wooden Christmas trees is the only remaining sign of the tragedy. But Mills still vividly remembers the moment she heard the news.
"Disbelief, initially, and shock of course," Mills said when asked what she felt. "Nothing like this had happened in Maine. Nor should have it had happened in Maine or anywhere else, for that matter."
The past two months have been filled with more than just the political fallout from the killings. Mills said she attended a large number of memorials and funeral services for the victims.
Not only does she remember their names, she vividly remembers their stories, from the young victim, Aaron Young, to the oldest, Bob and Lucille Violette.
"His wife was with him, and he tried to save her, and they both perished, as well as Aaron, 14 years old," Mills said in disbelief.
And one of the victims was someone knew personally: Josh Seal.
Seal was an ASL interpreter for countless government briefings with Mills throughout the COVID-19 pandemic. His friend and colleague Regan Thibodeau was signing alongside Mills in the wake of the tragedy.
"She lost four of her friends, four people she had gone to school with. Regan was brave to be there," Mills said.
She admitted the shortcomings from health professionals to public officials when it came to communicating with members of the deaf community. Mills said she and other leaders have learned a lot about the importance of sign language interpreters in times of need.
"I respect that community so much," Mills said while holding back tears.
It is that pain that brings the governor back to the hours immediately following the shootings, including her first press conference, the lockdown as police searched for the suspect, and the candlelight vigil held at the city's basilica.
"I think we all go through periods of grief. And my grief, like others, involves anger. It involves deep sadness. It involves action, wanting to take action," Mills said.
The first action for Mills was to form an independent commission to investigate the circumstances surrounding the shooting, Maine's so-called "yellow flag law," and what police did and did not do in the months before.
There are many questions, including how police failed to prevent shooter Robert Card from getting guns and carry out the attack given the number of warnings they received about his mental health.
A review released by the Sagadahoc County Sheriff's Office last week claimed deputies acted "reasonably" despite never making direct contact with Card.
"I have not read it, but I assume those are the kinds of actions and facts that the ... independent commission Attorney General Aaron Frey and I have set up will be looking at," Mills said. "I'm frustrated as is everyone else that this event occurred, period. It's horrible thing to have happened in our community and our state. I do want to get to the bottom of what happened."
Mills denied allegations the state's yellow flag law failed and pointed to an increase in its use in the past month.
But as the search for answers continues, lawmakers at the state and national level are still looking at solutions, mainly strengthening gun laws.
Mills has been criticized for her stance on guns in the past. In her last re-election campaign, reports claimed she spoke to the Sportsman's Alliance of Maine, saying she was against a ban on high-capacity magazines and opposed strengthening background checks. Mills did not deny taking that position.
"Look, nobody goes through a situation like this an episode like this without wondering, 'Could we do something different? Could we doing something better to make sure that people in Maine are safe?'" Mills said.
The governor did not elaborate on any specifics policies she plans to support in the upcoming legislative session.
When asked whether she would support an assault weapons ban, the governor promised to "look at every option."
Mills said that in her remining time in office, she will never forget the victims and the loved ones they left behind.
"We're there for you. We're listening," she said. "We love you."