JAY, Maine (NEWS CENTER) -- The mother of an El Faro crew member from Maine reacted to the newest developments surrounding the lost cargo ship El Faro, which disappeared about a month ago.
The United States Navy found some type of wreckage 15,000 feet under water near the last known location of the El Faro, but is still working to confirm if their findings are in fact the El Faro.
Still, the news is unsettling to Deb Roberts, of Jay, the mother of El Faro crew member Michael Holland.
"It was just so powerful and it's bizarre because it's been what we've been waiting for, but you just can't anticipate the reaction," said Roberts. "At first, it was really overwhelming. Getting the news felt like getting the news about the ship missing for the first time."
Navy crews searched for the ship using side-scanning sonar. The first four search lines yielded nothing.
Roberts said typically, if there was no significant news, the NTSB would update the families and the media through Facebook or Twitter some time between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m.. Yesterday, the update came just after 9 p.m.
"It is a difficult balance because we lived that way for 6 days in Florida, you know, we had hourly updates. It's tough because you want to see what's going on and you want the news, but you don't want it to consume your life," said Roberts. "I feel like I'm at tug of war with my heart and my head. Because my head wants answers, but my heart wants hope, so it's struggling to find that balance."
Roberts said one of the first people she told the news to was "her superstar," as she calls her, Laurie Bobillot: the mother of El Faro crew member Danielle Randolph. The two met on the way to Jacksonville, Florida when the search began.
"I felt like I needed to reach out to Laurie and just see how she was feeling as a fellow mom. There's just that connection and that empathy that others fortunately don't have. You want to find comforting news but it dwindles away some of the hope," said Roberts.
Mike was supposed to come home some time in November -- in time for hunting season, one of his favorite activities.
"It's just a nightmare that I wish someone else was living and not me, but then I think, 'no, I wouldn't want anyone else to live this nightmare either,'" said Roberts. "He was an amazing young man and he had so much left to live. It's just not fair."
In her home, Roberts has two shrines dedicated to her son and the El Faro. Signs and yellow ribbons still cover the streets in her hometown.
Roberts said every single display of support has its own special meaning for her -- but she also has a very personal way of remembering her son every single day.
"I already have a morning ritual. I have his favorite Boston hat, and so I put that close to me and smell it every morning -- just to feel him. Sometimes I put it on if I really need to feel him and channel into my head," said Roberts.
She also talks to her son during her morning commute, to let him know that she will never forget him.
"I'm sorry that this happened to him. It's just absolutely crazy. I'm sorry that it happened to the 32 other family members too, but especially for my child," said Roberts. "It's answers that we've wanted, but it's grappling with it now, and figuring out where it fits in in the healing process is tough. I'm still figuring that out."
Roberts said she has been putting all of her positive energy into a scholarship in her son's honor.
