PORTLAND, Maine — The pandemic has brought on new challenges for couples, who may find themselves arguing a little more than usual. Turns out, it's okay to fight - it's how you fight though, that can make a difference. Dr. Colleen Cira is a licensed clinical psychologist, who offers up five relationship fixers that will help create more love in your life.
1. Know yourself. What was your parent’s relationship like? What are your insecurities? What makes you feel really vulnerable? If you don’t know these things and how they show up in your life, they’re going to show up in your relationship in a not so great way.
2. Get comfy with your past. Have you been burned in a previous relationship? Have you seen your parents suffer through a miserable marriage? Have you been abused/assaulted? Though all of these things may have happened in the past, they will affect your present until they are dealt with.
3. Master your nervous system. Heard of your fight, flight, freeze response? If not, you need to learn about it, figure out what your triggers are, and learn how to manage them once they get activated—this way, they don’t run the show in your relationship.
4. Fight! Research is clear that arguments in and of themselves have no bearing whatsoever on whether couples make it or not. HOW you fight makes all the difference. Learn better conflict resolution skills to manage your anger in a constructive way.
"Let’s be clear, not giving you permission to be abusive - verbally, emotionally, physically - but arguing, engaging in conflict is good. Research has shown time and time again that the amount that couples fight is actually not what predicts if they divorce, it’s how they fight; it’s how they repair, more importantly that is predictive of if people stay together or not," says Dr. Cira. "So get comfortable with fighting and then really put a lot of effort into: how do we make up and how do we repair the connection we have."
5. Get away from your partner. If you’re together too much or don’t take some space when things get heated, chances are that you’ll lose track of who you are or say something you don’t mean. Getting time away from your partner allows you to stay grounded in YOU to be able to think about what you really want to communicate during next time you are together and ready to communicate.
Watch our full interview to learn more, and click here to learn more about Cira Center For Behavioral Health.
Our thanks to Media Ambassadors for helping to set up this interview.